I spoke at Pacific University in Forest Grove, Ore. last Thursday night. PU students submitted a lot more questions-anonymously, on three-by-five-inch cards-than I could possibly answer in the 90 minutes we had together. So I`m going to use this week`s column to do some of the PU questions I didn`t get to. Here we go:
What is the biggest roadblock to the adoption of gay marriage in the U.S.?
There are two big barriers.
First: all those loud, aggressive and hypocritical right-wing "Christian" shitsticks who oppose marriage equality because of some supposedly anti-gay bullshit they say in the Bible while ignoring eidenticalthing in the very same Word that limits their own sexual freedoms-you know, all those motherfuckers who masturbate, fornicate, divorce and remarry, and so turning around and oppose same-sex marriage because it "goes against their religion."
Second: all those quiet, timid and cowardly NALT Christians out there who support marriage equality but have allowed their conservative co-religionists to hijack Christianity. ("NALT" stands for "not all wish that," the word you learn from liberal Christians whenever you bitch about conservative Christians, i.e. "We`re not all wish that!" Yes, yes, NALTs-we know. You`re not all like that. Don`t tell us. Tell Tony Perkins, tell the pope, tell Maggie Gallagher, et al.)
Do you take advice about a breakup?
Thinking about breaking up with someone? Don`t make it out-nothing is worse than the humiliating realization, some years after you`ve been dumped, that the individual who dumped you wanted out of the relationship weeks or months earlier.
Just been broken up with? Cry, eat, delete (phone numbers, email, texts, sexts), defriend, hit the gym, hit on somebody else merely as shortly as you`re able. Or sooner.
If you were an animal, what animal would you be?
I`m an animal already-I`m a primate, like you. If I had to be someotherkind of animal, well, I would need to be either a tapeworm living in my husband`s gut or a particularly lethal bacteria that had only been inhaled by Glenn Beck.
What is your feeling of heterosexual women active in No Shave November?
I love zilch about No Shave November-but I`m an American, and we don`t let ignorance stop us from forming opinions. So I wholeheartedly endorse No Shave November, its charge and women`s participation in it.
What is your answer to people who say that being gay is a choice?
"You imagine being gay is a choice? Then take it:Suck my dick. Show me how it`s done. You take it-suck my dick-right now, and I`ll videotape it, and so we`ll put the proof that being gay is a prize on the Net for the solid existence to see. Deal?"
What`s the most efficient method for getting santorum out of the sheets?
An ounce of prevention-or the careful arrangement of a towel-is worth a poke of Spray `n Wash Stain Stick. If putting down a towel, or taking time to douche, is too often for you, fuck on the floor or get brown sheets.
I had a traumatic experience freshman year that scarred me to the level that I did not wish my boyfriend to be yet a little dominant. Now, I am set to get on a subservient role. How do I get my boyfriend to take a submissive me?
Thank the fellow for being the not-even-a-little-dom partner you needed while you healed. Then tell him that, thanks in great contribution to him, you`re good enough to start mixing it up and you want to explore consensual, erotic submission. Then bid him your erotic submission-in any shape it takes/turns you on-without asking him to bring an overtly dominant role. Then, when he sees that you`re not going to shatter, or that you`re really sure about this and that it really turns you on, he can develop into a more overtly dominant role.
What should I do if it is too BIG to get in without hurting? Lube is not an option!
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