Philadelphia Weekly

Q: Three months ago, I met a woman who I`m really into physically, emotionally and mentally. She`s someone I could see myself with. Problem is, when we started having sex, she insisted on a condom for birth control. I haven`t worn one in probably eight or 9 years. (I`m 33 now. I would be hard, then put on the safety and part having sex, and go limp because of the feel.

This happened many times over the first couple months, leading to frustration on both our parts. She went on the pill a couple weeks ago to cope with the issue, but now I`ve got a mental issue going on and quiet go limp once we start having sex. As shortly as I get inside her, it`s all I mean about and things go to shit. I look like it`s not a physical problem, as it hasn`t happened before, so I`m not certain that drugs would still work. I don`t recognize what to do. It`s at the signal of ruining this relationship.

Futile Limp-Ass Cock Is Dreadful

A: Before I get to your question, FLACID, I wanna pull rank-it`s my column, people-and briefly note the staggeringly amazing thing that happened two weekends ago while I was in New York: the 8 p.m. performance ofThe Word of Mormonat the Eugene O`Neill Theatre on the Saturday of Pride weekend. I didn`t believe it was possible, but Trey Parker, Robert Lopez and Matt Stone`s brilliant new musical about well-intentioned Mormons on a charge exceeds the hype. It`s the funniest, dirtiest, smartest thing that this showqueen has always seen on Broadway.

Yeah, yeah, something else happened in New York while I was in town: A bill legalizing same-sex marriage was sanctioned by the commonwealth legislature, and signed by Gov. Andrew Cuomo, the night before we sawThe Word of Mormon. And, hey, being in New York for the marriage-equality victory was nice. It was great. ButThe Word of Mormon-holy shit!

Okay, FLACID, if your dick goes limp once you put it within her, stop putting it within her. Just for now. Have oral sex, masturbate together, have tons of imaginative, nonpenetrative sex, all the while paying careful attention to her vulva, clit, orgasms, etc. A few dozen successful, low-stress sexual encounters with your girlfriend should help soften the association your dick has made with her and failure. Good luck.

Q: Yay, we won gay marriage in New York. I`m so happy, I could cry. But not tears of joy. Here`s the deal: I support gay marriage. I`m a freakin` lesbian. I`ve been with my mate for 10 years. We be together. We`re the proud parents of the two cutest dogs ever. We get through each other`s families and we`re treated as a married couple for all intents and purposes by everyone in our lives. I`ve made passionate speeches to friends and fellowship members around the grandness of gay marriage. So in 30 days, we can get married in New York. Everyone will expect us to get married. But I don`t need to. I`m glad in my relationship, I make no plans to leave, but I don`t wish to be married. I think piece of the durability of our relationship comes from being together because we wish to in the moment, not because we promised to in a second that has long passed. How do I say my spouse and everyone else that I know her with all my heart but don`t want to espouse her? Or anyone else, ever?

Defense Of Marriagephobic Asshole

A: Same-sex marriage is effectual in New York, DOMA, not compulsory. But rather of revealing your mate that you don`t need to wed her, or anyone else, ever, tell her you take time. This freedom is new, hard won and not going anywhere. There`s no haste to send to committing, DOMA, and no hurry to put to never committing. And you might need to ask your girlfriend how she feels. If she hasn`t been dropping hints, picking out china, or proposing, it`s possible that she feels just as conflicted or ambivalent about marriage as you do.

Q: I`ve just over a four-year relationship with a heavy man who didn`t lay his kink cards on the board until way too late. He`s your typical straight guy with a she-male fetish. Apparently, the dom pegging I provided wasn`t enough, because I establish a confidential email account where he was soliciting she-male escorts. I`m genuinely more pissed that he didn`t tell me he cherished to explore this-real cock-and didn`t make me the chance to get his fantasy fit into our living together. I can`t say if any of these escorts ever met with him, and in usual hetero-male fashion, he is mortified that I love about his darkest cock-fetish secret at all. So my question is this: As a GGG girlfriend who would honor just about any fantasy, is this secret search for a stranger the betrayal I suppose it is? I get it that our play isn`t the like as the very thing, but isn`t cheating cheating?

Willing But Not Enough

A:The snooping-is-wrong absolutists will make themselves if "snooping is wrong" doesn`t appear somewhere in this response. So here it is, gang, right at the top. Heck, I`ll chuck it out again-"snooping is wrong"-even though I disagree. No long-term relationship is snoop-free, just as no long-term relationship is lie-free, porn-free or thinking-about-fucking-someone-else-while-I`m-fucking-you free. And when a little snooping uncovers something like this, well, it`s retroactively self-justifying.

On to your question, WBNE: Your ex`s secret search is the treason that you believe it is. No question. Cheating is cheating, and the form of cheating your ex was busy in or contemplating amounts to a Real Serious Betrayal. He put you at peril of getting a sexually transmitted infection*, assuming he saw a sex worker, or he was thought about putting you at risk, assuming he was near to. And it was all so unnecessary: He had a GGG girlfriend who he could`ve opened up to almost his secret kink. He could`ve negotiated a lot that allowed him to search this without betraying you or putting you at risk. But he didn`t ask for permission because he was deeply ashamed, first, and terrified of losing you, second. And now he`s really got something to be ashamed of-the fabrication and sneaking around-and he`s lost you. Unless _

Unless you can detect it in your eye to forgive him.

His kink cards are face up on the board now; you recognize his deepest, darkest sexual fantasies, and, more importantly, he knows you know. Yes, he betrayed you, but forgiveness is meaningless if it`s limited to trifles and never comes after a Very Serious Betrayal. If his curve is something you would`ve signed off on had he gone about things differently, perhaps you could make him back on the stipulation that he go around things-finding things, sucking things, getting fucked by things**-very, very differently from now on.

*I`m not saying that a man who visits a sex worker is automatically going to get a sexually transmitted infection; a serious sex worker is typically more thoughtful about sexual safety than your average freebie slut. But outside sexual contact is outside sexual contact. Whomever it involves, it involves risk for the insider back at home, and it should be disclosed and discussed in advance.

**I`m not calling MTF sex workers "things." I`m calling their things things.