Savage Love

My husband and I recently realised that in place for us to stay happily married, we want to know other people.

Enter the boyfriend. This 20-year-old hunk has opened the sexual floodgates. He's gorgeous and gymnastic and enthusiastic, he gets me off at least twice every sentence we get together, and tales of our exploits have made things even hotter between my husband and me. Everybody's happy!

So what's the job? Well, after two months of dating and numerous sexual encounters, my new lover has yet to get an erection. I know he's been capable to get it up with previous partners, so I suspect this has something to do with our situation. Maybe there's a subconscious portion of his head that doesn't need to cram a married woman? I've made it top to him that there is no pressure and that I am more than satisfied. He insists that he is very attracted to me and that our current activities (lots of oral and men everywhere) are incredibly satisfying.

Am I missing something, Dan? How can I coax this new man's erection out of hiding?

-Nouveau Mrs. Robinson

Before I get to your question, NMR, I want to treat the recent Arnold Schwarzeneggerunpleasantness.

I'm getting a lot of mail from people insisting that it's all my fault. The affair, the dear child, the part with Maria Shriver-I'm apparently to charge for everything, save Arnold's oldest son's slammin', nearly legal bod (www.tinyurl.com/3zsdmjf). This is the face because (1) I'm a big advocate of nonmonogamous/monogamish relationships and (2) aging Hollywood action stars don't get erections without checking in with me first. And see where the nonmonogamy stuff I'm always pushing got Arnold! Look at the bedlam that nonmonogamy creates! Failed marriages! Devastated children! Scandalous scandals!

In my defense, ladies and gentlemen of the angry e-mob, I would point out that Arnold wasn't in a nonmonogamous relationship. Arnold was in a monogamous relationship. Arnold failed at monogamy. He did not win at nonmonogamy. If there is a moral to be worn from the Schwarzeneggerunpleasantness, it's not that honest nonmonogamy never works. Rather, it is the critical importance-particularly during adulterous heterosexual encounters-of anal intercourse.

And please bear in mind, e-mobsters, that successfully nonmonogamous straight couples typically aren't out to their friends, families, and coworkers. We incline to see that person we live is in a nonmonogamous relationship when it implodes and people-both indoors and away the relationship-cast around, looking for something or person to blame. If the match was nonmonogamous, nonmonogamy gets the blame, even if it had naught to do with the breakup.

On to your problem, NMR.

What a delightful problem to have! A gorgeous, athletic, and enthusiastic hunk with a hard dick is better than a gorgeous, athletic, and enthusiastic hunk with a soft dick, I'll give you. But better a gorgeous, athletic, and enthusiastic hunk with a soft dick than no gorgeous, athletic, and enthusiastic hunk at all, amirite?

And while I can't say you exactly what's amiss with your hunk's dick, I can say you that you're doing everything right. You're not pressuring him, you're taking delight in him regardless, and you're not neglecting your husband. And if your hunk was acquiring it up for his former partners, it's simply a subject of time before he's getting it up for you.

But was he getting it up for his old partners? Unless you've seen some video-and that's video we'd all alike to see-all we get to go on is his word, NMR, and he could be lying. Young hunks with erectile problems, too embarrassed and/or ashamed to acknowledge they hold a problem, will sometimes lie to their partners and deny to talk to doctors. But your hunk has someone older and wiser telling him what to do, NMR, and you're going to say him to speak with a doctor.

Is it best to stick with your overweight wife-who happens to be the father of your baby daughter-and wander on her to get sexual gratification (and be a dump of a husband) or give her (and be a bull of a father)?

-Almost Double The Wife

Cheating shit or leaving shit-are those your only options?

If they are, ATTW, then stop and cheat. Abandoning an infant-to say aught of abandoning someone with an infant-is a bull move. So is cheating on the father of your baby daughter, of course, but it's somewhat less shitty.

Here's another option: You could go without for six months or a year-you know, like most new parents.

Backing way up: You were presumably attracted to your wife before the baby-otherwise there would be no baby, right? And presumably, the father of your baby daughter is going without right now, too, as she's probably too fatigued to hassle with sex. Because she only had a baby. She too may not be feeling it for her asshole husband, a man who she senses doesn't find her attractive in her current state-a nation he helped put her in.

Take a little responsibility here, ATTW: You knocked the wife up knowing that pregnancy and its tragic aftermath, aka "parenting," leave new moms with very short time for the gym. If you expected your wife to spring back to her pre-baby weight in 10 weeks, like some form of celebrity mom, then you required to get her two nannies, a personal trainer, and a full-time nutritionist.

Perhaps I'm being too heavy on you, ATTW. For all I know, your wife is one of those lousy spouses who abandon routine physical maintenance once the first kid arrives, because, hey, now you're stuck! Forgoing routine physical maintenance is the father of all take-you-for-granted moves, one that quickly kills desire and slowly smothers love, and it can constitute evidence for cheating and/or leaving. (Normal and natural aging, health issues that make routine maintenance impossible, etc. do not by themselves constitute evidence for cheating and/or leaving. But it's too soon to live if your wife is one of those lousy take-you-for-granted spouses, ATTW, as your daughter is even an infant.

Masturbate, help out, make certain your wife has the spare time she needs to get charge of herself, and you may feel that you don't get to be any kind of shit.

I'm writing near the "Choicer Challenge" you've issued to all the bigots out there who say that being gay is a choice. I suppose you've set yourself up for a potential failure here, Dan.

I'm a straight guy. I am also a stubborn motherfucker. If I were one of those choicers, Dan, I would draw your dick just to win the argument. That's why the Choicer Challenge should say that they take to draw you off while maintaining a glass-cutting boner. I could probably will myself to shock you to establish a point, but willing myself to get hard during it? Not possible!

-Bone Machine

Good point, BM. The Choicer Challenge is hereby amended to admit the product of a glass-cutting boner while blowing me. I'm waiting for your call, John "Choicer" Cummins.