Q: I`m in a bad place. I have been in a monogamous marriage for 19 days and make two kids. At least I think we`re still monogamous. My husband is an avid reader of your column and loves to bring up the idea that it is perfectly normal to get outside sexual relationships with other people as farsighted as you stay attached to your spouse.
Here`s the thing: We started our marriage saying that we would ever be truthful and faithful to each other.
He has changed and I haven`t. I`m GGG, he probably gets more blowjobs than most married men, and I know having sex with him. He is far less likely to initiate sex than I am (which makes me think he is spending time with someone else). If one spouse decides that they need outside activity, regardless of how much sex they get at home, is it OK to go forward and do that without informing the spouse who they had previously made a monogamous commitment to? He thinks if my needs are being met, then I take nothing to complain about. My main motive is for honesty, and it doesn`t look like that motivation is being met.
When I ask him if he is having affairs, he gets angry and accuses me of being insecure and immature. (I would care to live if I`m at risk of getting a sexually transmitted infection. He says you correspond with him that it is OK to lie if the other person has their needs met and doesn`t get out. I am at my wit`s end and am deeply unhappy and think about leaving him, but I don`t want to end a relationship that works in so many other ways.
Lonely At Home
A: Before I can do your question, LAH, give me a minute to spit out all the words your husband has stuffed into my mouth.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhcckk-p`toooo.
OK, LAH, here`s a little something I recently wrote that sums up my position on outside sexual relationships: "Cheating is permissible when it amounts to the least worst option, i.e. it is allowed for someone who has made a monogamous commitment and isn`t getting any at home (sick or disabled spouse, or withholding-without-cause spouse)anddivorce isn`t an option (sick or disabled spouse, or withholding-without-cause-spouse-who-can`t-be-divorced-for-some-karma-imperiling-reason-or-other)andthe sex on the side makes it possible for the cheater to stay married and stay sane. (An exception can be made for a married person with a kink that his or her spouse can`t/won`t accommodate, so long as the kink can be taken care of safely and discreetly.)"
As you are not sick, disabled or withholding without cause, LAH, and as your husband doesn`t own a kink that he`s outsourcing to spare you, please tell your husband on my behalf that I think he`s a cheating piece of shit, a word-stuffing douchebag and an emotionally abusive asshole. Mr. LAH may read my column avidly, but his conduct and lame rationalizations indicate that he`s also reading it selectively. If your husband walked into my office, LAH, I would be tempted to slap him with my laptop.
It is, of course, perfectly normal for people who`ve made monogamous commitments towantto get outside sexual relationships. It`s perfectly normal to daydream about fucking other people, to masturbate to thoughts of fucking other people, to check out other people who you would be fucking if (1) you weren`t in a monogamous relationship, and (2) they wanted to fuck you. And it`s perfectly ridiculous the way people throw themselves miserable scrutinizing their partners for evidence that they need to fuck other people. (Jealous types, please note: Your partner sometimes thinks about fucking other people,just wish you sometimes think about fucking other people. Going ballistic over a little discreet and considerate porn use or meaningless flirting is an idiotic waste of your time, it`s unfair to your partner, and I think it grounds for DTMFA`ing your ass.)
That said, LAH, it isperfectly obnoxiousto go forward and fuck other mass in violation of a monogamous commitment unless you have grounds. And while it doesn`t sound like your husband has grounds, it certainly sounds like he`s fucking other people. I suspect that your husband is fucking someone you know-a coworker, a neighbor, a friend, a relative (shudder)-and, realizing that it`s only a subject of time before you get out, he`s bullying you into retroactively giving him permission to fuck other masses and unfairly dragging me into it.
In your shoes, LAH, I`d be intelligent about DTMFA. Not because of the cheating-monogamy isn`t crucial to me-but because of the lying and the bullying.
Q: I grew up masturbating in the digital age. So in any given week, I get off on "Wincest," hypnosis porn, and erotic literature involving cat people. I`m also a young husband who`s gone a few years past your recommended date for laying down his kink cards. I`ve been deliberating whether to out myself to my wife, but there`s a rub: The final time she found out I had masturbated to someone other than her, she hit me. I cried and swore I would never look at porn again. Of class I only became more careful about hiding it.
Is there a limit on the necessitated disclosure of my wet dreams? I don`t get to assure her the one where I`m having sex with her best friend while she, having been turned into a dog, looks on stupidly, right? Can I settle for "I masturbate to women who aren`t you"?
Wife Abusive, Not Kinky
A: Fuck full disclosure, WANK. Your wife can`t deal with you masturbating about othersandshe hits you? DTMFA.
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